Do you know why so many women are proposed to on Valentine’s Day? Because we had to strain our brains to figure out what to get you a few months ago for Christmas and we couldn’t think of anything else.

Valentine’s Day is a day for romance, and telling your significant other, your sweetheart, how much you care for them. This day was made for men, because otherwise we would probably forget. We do love you, women, we do appreciate you, but I think it’s smart that there’s an actual calendar-dated event to tell us that this is the day to say it.

When I was a young boy of 13 or 14, a young lady told me that I was as romantic as a tuna. I replied to her that, well, someone’s doing something right because there are always baby tunas.

I think the term “Committed Relationship” is a perfect title for a serious relationship because, if you’re in one, it can drive you crazy. I’m also surprised that Six Flags and other amusement parks don’t have a thrill ride called “Relationship” or “Marriage” with all the same ups and downs and stomach-in-your-throat twists and turns and upside-downs. Though, one thing about those rides, it always comes to a nice, smooth ending, and everybody gets off the ride laughing and smiling, saying, “Let’s go do it again!” That is a relationship.

And just a side note about marriage and relationships - I always wonder why you never see anyone protesting outside of law offices. They’re in those offices pulling things apart that God has put together. You see every other kind of protest against who is with what in which kind of relationship, but you never see one aimed at law offices like that.

I’ve been married for over 20 years. The key to any relationship is communication. Women, you do it great. We don’t do it well at all. I’ve seen those books, Men are From Mars, whatever - but women, I’m going to teach you how to communicate with men today. I’m sorry, men, but I have to do it. It’s going to help relationships all over the world. Here it goes.

When you say our names, and want to talk to us, let’s say our name is Bob and you say,  “Hello, Bob.”  Our brain instantly opens up four categories:

1. Do I have to do it now?

2. When do I have to do it?

3. When can I go back to doing what I want to do? (Most of which is just sitting on the couch and watching the game.)

Now this is what you’re supposed to say:

“Hi dear. I love you, we’re doing fine, I’d like to talk to you about something.”

And that handles the fourth category:

4. Are we in trouble?

And now, we can communicate with you.

We’re very simple. We will fix things. We will carry heavy things across the back yard for you. We will kill the bug that’s hiding in the basement. That’s what we do. We are not good with emotions. We can’t fix emotions. We will hug you and pat you on the back because we know that the emotions might switch the next day. That’s what men are. That’s the way to communicate with us. We’re very simple, simple creatures.

You try that technique on your man, your partner, and you will probably be able to get his attention for an amazing 15 to 20 minutes. Now, when you say your man’s name and he gives you that look, you know the four categories.

I’ll be the first to admit that men cannot exist without women. It’s been proven. Married men and men in a relationship live longer than single men. No, it’s not because single men are having so much fun that they burn themselves out.

Women take care of us in every possible way. My car could be making a funny noise, or a light comes on, and I’m in the garage the next day. I could be coughing up blood and figure I’ll go to the doctor in a few more weeks. But not when you have a wife. She will have you in the doctor’s office the next day.

So to all you women out there, I salute you. You are stronger than we are. You are smarter than we are. You are more detail-oriented than we are. And I know my wife takes care of me in ways that I couldn’t even have imagined. I know all of you women take care of your partners in ways that keep them going, keep them happy, keep them healthy.

So on this Valentine’s Day, when he walks in the house with that piece of candy, or that rose, realize he has been thinking about this all week and came up with that. So give him a big hug, a big kiss, and stay on that roller coaster ride for as long as you both shall live.

- Kevin S. Nash

Photo details: Personal Project, Atlantic City, NJ.